The fine folks at Politico have gifted us with this glorious super-cut of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls dancing.
As someone lacking both professional dance qualifications and basic rhythm, I have taken it upon myself to pass this judgement on the candidates:
When I was eight, my Italian grandparents took me to Northeast Florida's finest, and perhaps only, polka night at a local bar. I'm pretty sure this is clip is irrefutable evidence that Bernie was actually there, joyfully twirling around.
Big Mom Energy. Liz is here to get you HYPED to get in this MINIVAN to ENJOY spending spring break touring Philadelphia's NATIONAL CONSTITUTION CENTER, SO HELP HER GOD.
Marianne Williamson and this luminous cowboy just chakra-fucked on an astral plane and all we saw in this mortal realm was dancing.
An aggressive amount of pelvic thrusting. If you catch a glimmer of plaid neckwear behind you at the club: Run.
Surprisingly rhythmic for a former Goth kid.
To be fair, this is the only kind of dance you can do when you're alone in front of a taupe backdrop.
Amy is ready to pogo her way into a dingy underground punk club and knock circa-1981 Henry Rollins the fuck out of her way. I am terrified of Amy Klobuchar.
Why yes, I am ready to watch this delightful musical.
Genuinely having fun. Tied with Marianne for best overall dancer.
Wait, who's this guy?
Sources tell me it is Steve Bullock, reaching The Youths via TikTok. Sadly, the Steve BullockTok campaign was suspended in December.
Biden claims he can't dance? Malarkey. We know you've got the moves from every interaction you've had with Dr. Jill. GET A ROOM, MOM AND DAD.
If the rest of these folks can do it, dammit, so can you, Mayor Pete! Let loose some Bacchanalian hedonism the next time you're in a wine cave.