The fine folks at Politico have gifted us with this glorious super-cut of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls dancing. As someone lacking both professional dance qualifications and basic rhythm, I have taken it upon myself to pass this judgement on the candidates:
Bernie Sanders
When I was eight, my Italian grandparents took me to Northeast Florida’s finest, and perhaps only, polka night at a local bar. I’m pretty sure this is clip is irrefutable evidence that Bernie was actually there, joyfully twirling around.
Elizabeth Warren
Big Mom Energy. Liz is here to get you HYPED to get in this MINIVAN to ENJOY spending spring break touring Philadelphia’s NATIONAL CONSTITUTION CENTER, SO HELP HER GOD.
Marianne Williamson
Marianne Williamson and this luminous cowboy just chakra-fucked on an astral plane and all we saw in this mortal realm was dancing.
Tom Steyer
An aggressive amount of pelvic thrusting. If you catch a glimmer of plaid neckwear behind you at the club: Run.
Andrew Yang
Surprisingly rhythmic for a former Goth kid.
Well it looks like my senior year yearbook photo is about to make the news in a feature about candidates when we were young. Sharing it here so you can see what I was about in 1992. Favorite bands: the Smiths and the Cure. ? pic.twitter.com/6qASjBceys
— Andrew Yang? (@AndrewYang) March 29, 2019
Tulsi Gabbard
To be fair, this is the only kind of dance you can do when you're alone in front of a taupe backdrop.
Amy Klobuchar
Amy is ready to pogo her way into a dingy underground punk club and knock circa-1981 Henry Rollins the fuck out of her way. I am terrified of Amy Klobuchar.
Cory Booker
Why yes, I am ready to watch this delightful musical.
Kamala Harris
Genuinely having fun. Tied with Marianne for best overall dancer.
Beto O'Rourke
Wait, who's this guy?
Sources tell me it is Steve Bullock, reaching The Youths via TikTok. Sadly, the Steve BullockTok campaign was suspended in December.
Joe Biden
Biden claims he can't dance? Malarkey. We know you've got the moves from every interaction you've had with Dr. Jill. GET A ROOM, MOM AND DAD.
(Photo by Joshua Lott, Getty Images)
Pete Buttigieg
If the rest of these folks can do it, dammit, so can you, Pete! Let loose some Bacchanalian hedonism the next time you're in a wine cave.