Dancing with the Candidates: An Analysis

Marianne Williamson dancing

The fine folks at Politico have gifted us with this glorious super-cut of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls dancing.

As someone lacking both professional dance qualifications and basic rhythm, I have taken it upon myself to pass this judgement on the candidates:

Bernie Sanders

When I was eight, my Italian grandparents took me to Northeast Florida's finest, and perhaps only, polka night at a local bar. I'm pretty sure this is clip is irrefutable evidence that Bernie was actually there, joyfully twirling around.

 

Elizabeth Warren

Big Mom Energy. Liz is here to get you HYPED to get in this MINIVAN to ENJOY spending spring break touring Philadelphia's NATIONAL CONSTITUTION CENTER, SO HELP HER GOD.

 

Marianne Williamson

Marianne Williamson and this luminous cowboy just chakra-fucked on an astral plane and all we saw in this mortal realm was dancing. 

 

Tom Steyer

An aggressive amount of pelvic thrusting. If you catch a glimmer of plaid neckwear behind you at the club: Run.

 

Andrew Yang

Surprisingly rhythmic for a former Goth kid.

Andrew Yang's 1992 yearbook photo, he has tousled hair and a long, goth-y coat
Andrew Yang, circa 1992

 

Tulsi Gabbard

To be fair, this is the only kind of dance you can do when you're alone in front of a taupe backdrop.

 

Amy Klobuchar

Amy is ready to pogo her way into a dingy underground punk club and knock circa-1981 Henry Rollins the fuck out of her way. I am terrified of Amy Klobuchar.

 

Cory Booker

Why yes, I am ready to watch this delightful musical.

 

Kamala Harris

Genuinely having fun. Tied with Marianne for best overall dancer.

 

Beto O'Rourke 

 

Wait, who's this guy?

Sources tell me it is Steve Bullock, reaching The Youths via TikTok. Sadly, the Steve BullockTok campaign was suspended in December.

 

Joe Biden

Biden claims he can't dance? Malarkey. We know you've got the moves from every interaction you've had with Dr. Jill. GET A ROOM, MOM AND DAD.

Joe Biden noming on Jill Biden's finger

(Photo by Joshua Lott, Getty Images)

Pete Buttigieg

If the rest of these folks can do it, dammit, so can you, Mayor Pete! Let loose some Bacchanalian hedonism the next time you're in a wine cave.

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