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Crystals across the country heaved a collective sigh Friday, as Marianne Williamson announced the conclusion of her campaign. While Marianne’s woo-woo brand of leadership may not be destined for the White House, it is certainly welcome in San Francisco’s flagship Goop store.

Goop, the Gwyneth Paltrow-founded, artisanal-vibrator-bedecked wellness empire, seamlessly synchronizes with Marianne’s manifestations. This November, Marianne spoke at Goop Health (and I use the term “Health” very loosely) Summit. Elise Loehnen, Goop CCO/A Definite White Lady, has even anointed Marianne “O.G. Goop,” 

In honor of Marianne’s valiant battle against Dark Psychic Forces, here’s a recap from our recent visit to Goop:

Golden incense holder

This is a kit with an incense holder and 50 sticks of incense. It is $275.

a giant screen of gwneyth paltrow next to the door of the interior of the  goop store Under her eye.


I was a little confused to find a Banana Republic sweater in Goop – how pedestrian! – but fellow Suffragette Eve pointed out that Goop primarily curates objects, rather than making their own. Goop’s business model is akin to assembling all your favorite stuff on a Pinterest board, and then making $250 million from it.

On the topic of cream-covered cable sweaters, let’s pause for a moment to appreciate the perfection that IS Chris Evans in Knives Out:

Back to Goop!

A clear water bottle with a sharp amethyst crystal inside

If there’s one thing my current water bottle is missing, it’s a crystal that will eventually dislodge itself to stab my trachea. $84.

a bottle of Paper Crane Apothecary "Psychic Vampire Repellant Protection Mist" Gem-Infused Aromatherapy

Sadly, this is 0.4 oz too big to bring on a plane, but psychic vampires usually don’t fly commercial anyway.

What will rich white lady pseudoscience manifest in 2020? Will Marianne make a guest appearance on Gwynnie’s new Netflix show, The Goop Lab? Stay tuned for more medically unsound advice

Gwyneth Paltrow in the middle of a very yonic, very pink Goop Lab poster

For a company that has been the subject of vaginal egg-related lawsuits…this poster seems like a bold choice.